When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
this is funnier than any friends episode
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby