Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
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I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
i wish all
whales
a very
big
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me