super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Camping tip: No.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Thrilling chase underway
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.