So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Omg 🤣
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves