bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.