3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
i- i did not expect this
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
The answer is funnier than the question