Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
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I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.