Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
the Monday after daylight savings
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.