4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
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This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today