“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
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Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.