Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
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I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
For the orator and chef in all of us
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?