Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
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Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.