A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
uh oh
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard