coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
You Might Also Like
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I falcon love using swear birds
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.