Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
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Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
the three branches of government
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
❤️🦆