I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
You Might Also Like
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
first you must answer his riddles
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?