Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
They’re really bad with fonts.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from