Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
So inspired right now.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet