Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Venn
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-