*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride