One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
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My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
So the ex texted me
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you