if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
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If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.