July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
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It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?