Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?