Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
*ernest hemingway voice*
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.