ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed