My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Left at a local drug store…
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
WWE is French for “yes”