Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
You can’t outrun your problems…
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!