It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Do not levitate over flowers
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live