Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
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Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Owl Sanctuary
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation