When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.