[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
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Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.