I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.