[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.