*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.