airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
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It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.