People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
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lumberjacks will cut a birch
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
*limbos away from your hug*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no