National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
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Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Always the camel, never the toe.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”