chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
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Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*orders delivery*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.