Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*