Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
👾👾👾
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.