Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
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Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.