Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
How do you milk an almond?
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together