How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
technically true but not a great slogan
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.