A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
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Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line