To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Please do it!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.