it is time once again
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Body by Oreos
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
who wore it better?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.