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I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.