I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
You Might Also Like
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My kitchen overserved me.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!