White Castle for the Win
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
bury ourselves
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.